It’s that time of the year again: the time for parent-teacher conferences. Some parents relate to this day as “the annual what did I do wrong meeting” while others truly look forward to hearing all about their child. Honestly, as a parent and clinical psychologist I can tell you that many times parent-teacher conferences are a total waste of time!
Why? You ask….
Because teachers are reporting in a set format for each child (i.e. two strengths, recent work sample, one area of weakness), and parents frankly just don’t know which questions to ask! So rather than committing your time to one more set of useless meetings in your busy, hectic lives, let’s see if we can turn this opportunity around and make it truly useful.
One important fact I want you to have in the back of your mind as you prepare for conferences: 20% of success is determined by cognitive intelligence and 80% is determined by what we call “soft skills.” This means that emotional intelligence, social skills, and communication are a MUCH higher predictor of success than IQ or academic achievement. When you think about this important fact, you may begin to ask yourself why our children spend so many hours per day working on their cognitive intelligence! That’s a bigger conversation for us to have another day but nonetheless a good question for us parents to keep on the table.
So now that we are reminded of what is truly important in child success and development, we can pave a different path forward for meeting with teachers. Asking questions such as “is my child happy? Respectful?” and “How does my child interact with you? With his/her peers?” is much more useful than following the normal format of a parent-teacher conference. Sure, you should let the teacher present, and trust me that if there is a big delay or deficit you will become aware of it even prior to conferences, and then when the teacher is done presenting, get into the more meaningful stuff. Here are additional question prompts you may want to consider:
“Where do you think my child stands in terms of his/her social skills?”
“Does my child display empathy adequately? Can you give me examples?”
“Who does my child spend the most time with? Do they have sufficient friends? Do they know how to make new friends?”
“How does my child solve problems? How does my child regulate their emotions when they are worked up?”
“Can you tell me about factors such as my child’s intrinsic motivation and work ethic?”
“How are my child’s executive functioning skills? Organizational skills?”
Parent-teacher conferences don’t have to be a routine check-in that leaves you feeling like you’ve wasted valuable time. With a shift in focus from just academic performance to a broader view of your child’s emotional, social, and interpersonal development, these meetings can become powerful tools for supporting your child’s growth. By asking thoughtful questions about your child’s social skills, emotional regulation, and overall well-being, you open the door to meaningful conversations that can help you understand them more deeply.
Remember, success in life isn’t just about grades or IQ—it’s about how your child navigates relationships, handles challenges, and develops the resilience to keep moving forward. By using parent-teacher conferences as an opportunity to learn more about these aspects, you can better support your child in developing the skills they truly need for long-term success and happiness.
So, the next time you sit down with your child’s teacher, come prepared to ask the right questions, engage in a genuine dialogue, and turn the conference into a productive, insightful experience for both you and your child.
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